lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You pole danced in your parka.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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