Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
