we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
