it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if only i could text you this smell
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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