just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
