I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
