i'm signing you up for texting rehab
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
