i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
