My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
