yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
