I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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