I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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