Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
