I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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