I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
