im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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