my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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