2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Pooping to opera.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
