i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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