Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
