I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Watching her eat just hurts me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
