so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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