i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
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