I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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