remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
