There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
