i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I touched a dick in church today
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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