I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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