I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Even my vagina gasped.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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