Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
