Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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