Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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