Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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