I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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