i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
