Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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