Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
