Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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