so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
