My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
