Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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