were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
