Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
