Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
