So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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