I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
