I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
