You made me cry and you don't even care
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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