all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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