I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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