Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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