Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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